Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
