i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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