Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
