His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
