you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She bit a glass in half.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
