I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
