i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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