Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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