She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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