is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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