I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize