Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
