she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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