I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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