i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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