I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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