just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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