I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize