yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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