Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
