is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
