I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
