A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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