I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
