Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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