Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
