and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
