he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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