Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
