batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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