I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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