4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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