Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
