Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
