Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
