i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
