I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
