I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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