I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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