You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
