so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize