Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
