I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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