i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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