Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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