she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
