i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
