My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
