He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
