shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this boner is exhausting
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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