so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
