sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
