so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
