blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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