the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
