i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
