Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
