i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
