that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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