:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
