i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
