Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
