That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
