my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
