ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
