ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
